Off With Their Heads

Bands/Musicians Who Don’t Deserve Cult Status

by John Paul McBain

1. Groundhogs.

Overly wankish. British to a fault. Too much boogie. I hate slide guitar in the “traditional” style.

2. Hawkwind.

Lose the saxophone, Mr. Brock. And could you please write something that’s NOT in E major? At best, considering their vast back catalogue, I might be able to fill one 90 minute cassette with serviceable music. Also very British.

3. Captain Beyond.

First record starts with a promise then lapses into overly-though out math metal. Emphasis on metal. What do fans see in these windbags?

4. Bob Dylan in the 70s, 80s, 90s and Today.

Fell victim to the “now” sound. His seventies and eighties catalog is a litany of hippie ideals, overwrought coffeehouse mumbo jumbo and marshmallow L.A. “mellow mafia” sounds. Hung out with The Grateful Dead (don’t worry they’re comin’) and lost his balls in the process. Turned into a pasty faced golem. Nowadays, resembles Nosferatu.

5. The Grateful Dead.

Dirty Hippies.

6. Gram Parsons.

Average songwriter, average singer (he aint no George Jones), rubbed elbows with the Rolling Stones, was partially responsible for the “No Depression” sissy country craze and died like a deified rock n roll martyr. Well boo hoo hoo cause you still suck. Chump.

7. French Bands.

The French think that they’re better than you. (Didn’t we save their asses in WW II?)

8. The Damned.

The first album is a classic. Then they lost Brian James’ attitude and songwriting. Singer and wacky bassist/guitarist battled for domination. End result was poorly executed punk rock and goth spittle. Singer sported a Bela Lugosi look. Came off like Count Chocula.

9. Tom Waits.

It’s not him. It’s his fans. For that alone I must condemn him.

10. Frank Zappa.

Same reasons as Waits. But that’s just the beginning. Big smarty pants know it all who felt the need to rub our noses in his awesome talent. Made fun of punk rock. When he parodied it on record and on the stage he came across as a frightened little brat. Frightened because he had built a career on soulless guitar wank. He felt threatened All technique, no substance. Reagan Youth had more talent and substance within their first record than Zappa could ever muster even with the aid of his chart reading, “you’re so funny AND smart, Frank!” stable of self-fellating session cats. Always fell back on laughs and fart jokes when he should have been working on a proper bridge. His fans are the worst. It’s like hanging out with Moonies. One guy I knew years ago would not listen to punk rock because “they’re not in tune.” He couldn’t play it either. He even made fun of Greg Ginn!